Thoughts on... Motherhood.

I survive the tantrums by ensuring I have a chilled bottle of Sauvignon Blanc ready in the fridge at all times.

It's tantrums from all angles. The three year olds famously epic tantrums have soared to dizzy new heights of epicness. And the 18 month olds tantrums are halfway as epic as her big brothers, but seem to be almost for show because she is easily distracted by a different toy, orthe  iPad. 

My life before babies was spent imagining what my life would be like avec babies. I've always been maternal and longed for my own brood but now I have my brood I spend most of my time feeling like I am barely surviving. I have that constant self doubt of 'am I teaching them to be decent and compassionate humans?' And fear my constant state of tiredness and short temperedness is making me a really bad example to them. I love my children so much my heart feels like it will explode - they're all I've ever wanted. I don't want to break them.

I spend time with other Mums who I'm in awe of as they seem so in control, I literally feel like I tread water and i will put my hands up and say that I struggle. I struggle with the constant demands from the little people, I struggle with staying patient, I struggle with finding balance. 

Being honest with myself about this means I am in a place of acceptance, I accept I am not perfect and may not always be the shining example of what a good person should be, but when I remember how I idolized my Mum and how she was the centre of my universe I realise my Littlens feel the same about me and they love me, warts and all. 

It's ok to let them entertain themselves indoors on a sunny day whilst I do house chores - I don't have to have a weekly itinerary packed with activities for them to be a good Mum. I don't have to feel guilty if they aren't dressed by 11am yet, it isn't hindering their development they don't care?! 

I feel I get so caught up in social networking, and the competitiveness of parenting that I lose my footing and my way a bit. For example, this morning I found myself googling "how to get a reluctant 3 year old to learn to count". I didn't find many hits, because at this age our main concern should be that he can use the toilet and walk and talk. Everything else he can learn through play, and this is what I lose sight of. He is 3, by the time he is 7 he will do all the things all normal 7 year olds can do so why am I concerning myself with educational learning and stressing about milestones? It's crazy. I'm crazy. I promised myself I would let my children learn in their own time, and reach milestones on their own terms, which has worked well for us so far, so why all of a sudden am I worrying about things that never used to bother me? Self doubt. 

Being at home with them 24/7 is a blessing, they're both wonderful children with beautiful a souls, the only place I'm failing is by not giving myself a break and a pat on the back. 

So for all the Mums reading this, working mums (I salute you I don't know you manage it!), stay at home Mums, single mums, here's a big pat on the back from me - you're amazing, you're beautiful, and you are doing an amazing job. Don't be so hard on yourselves and its ok to open the wine ten minutes before midday...! 

Peace and love

xx