Breastfeeding.
Since living in Discovery Bay, I am aware of the vast number of Mummies that live here, Hong Kong is an international expat haven, and popular for good education, so there are mummies and kiddies everywhere. There are pregnant women everywhere. Newborn babies everywhere.
It makes me feel a little wistful. And broody.
I've partaken in many conversations about breastfeeding, it's not uncommon here for women to breastfeed until their baby is well over a year old. It's not uncommon in Asia for women to breastfeed their babies until they are toddlers. I was asked by a Philipino lady how long I breast fed for, to which I replied 'until he was 12 weeks old' because that isn't a fib. I expressed every single little drop that I possibly could squeeze out to give to my little champ, and the reason I expressed is because I had such a bad time having him on the boob. And this broke my heart then, and it still bothers me now. I wished I had persisted with it and had the support to help me persist with it when he was a newborn. Why is it her response of 'gah! only 12 weeks? I breastfed all my children for one year' bothered me so much? I did the best for William. I lacked knowledge, support and confidence with breastfeeding. No one told me that having him on the boob CONSTANTLY was normal, and that I should just keep changing him from one side to the next. No one told me that the minute he was off the boob after a 4 hour session would result in him screaming and to keep putting him on the boob regardless of whether it felt as though he was getting anything out of me. No one told me it was normal for the pain to be so excruciating that it sent stabbing pains up and down my body, and that it was probably because 'he wasn't latched on properly'. No one told me that despite having a 48 hour labour, and 2 sleepless nights prior to that, that the baby will keep me awake constantly while he gnaws on my nipples, and that sleep truly was a thing of the past. I was in hospital for 5 days, surely someone, some health professional could have told me what I was in for?!! Educated me and enlightened me so I had knowledge, so I could have used that knowledge as a guiding light to keep on pushing through that pain and that eventually, breast feeding would become second nature?
It's a terrible thing to make a woman feel bad about her choices. I chose to give William formula, I chose to give my expressed breastmilk in a bottle, I feel pangs of jealousy when I see women breastfeeding because it is the most natural thing in the world, tending to the needs of your child. The World Health Organisation push breastfeeding as 'Breast is Best', and formula feeders are made to feel like what they are giving their baby is something to be ashamed of. It's funny how the comment of a complete stranger has riled me so much.
She isn't the first stranger out here to ask me how I feed my child.
The next time it happens, I think I shall tell them to mind their own damn business.
In France they have a saying; mieux vaut une bouteille donnee avec amour qu'un sein avec reticence' (better to give a bottle with love than a breast with fear)
I love that saying. It makes me feel better in every possible way.
Am I the only one 8 months down the line who still feels a little tainted about failing to breastfeed? Your thoughts please xx
It makes me feel a little wistful. And broody.
I've partaken in many conversations about breastfeeding, it's not uncommon here for women to breastfeed until their baby is well over a year old. It's not uncommon in Asia for women to breastfeed their babies until they are toddlers. I was asked by a Philipino lady how long I breast fed for, to which I replied 'until he was 12 weeks old' because that isn't a fib. I expressed every single little drop that I possibly could squeeze out to give to my little champ, and the reason I expressed is because I had such a bad time having him on the boob. And this broke my heart then, and it still bothers me now. I wished I had persisted with it and had the support to help me persist with it when he was a newborn. Why is it her response of 'gah! only 12 weeks? I breastfed all my children for one year' bothered me so much? I did the best for William. I lacked knowledge, support and confidence with breastfeeding. No one told me that having him on the boob CONSTANTLY was normal, and that I should just keep changing him from one side to the next. No one told me that the minute he was off the boob after a 4 hour session would result in him screaming and to keep putting him on the boob regardless of whether it felt as though he was getting anything out of me. No one told me it was normal for the pain to be so excruciating that it sent stabbing pains up and down my body, and that it was probably because 'he wasn't latched on properly'. No one told me that despite having a 48 hour labour, and 2 sleepless nights prior to that, that the baby will keep me awake constantly while he gnaws on my nipples, and that sleep truly was a thing of the past. I was in hospital for 5 days, surely someone, some health professional could have told me what I was in for?!! Educated me and enlightened me so I had knowledge, so I could have used that knowledge as a guiding light to keep on pushing through that pain and that eventually, breast feeding would become second nature?
It's a terrible thing to make a woman feel bad about her choices. I chose to give William formula, I chose to give my expressed breastmilk in a bottle, I feel pangs of jealousy when I see women breastfeeding because it is the most natural thing in the world, tending to the needs of your child. The World Health Organisation push breastfeeding as 'Breast is Best', and formula feeders are made to feel like what they are giving their baby is something to be ashamed of. It's funny how the comment of a complete stranger has riled me so much.
She isn't the first stranger out here to ask me how I feed my child.
The next time it happens, I think I shall tell them to mind their own damn business.
In France they have a saying; mieux vaut une bouteille donnee avec amour qu'un sein avec reticence' (better to give a bottle with love than a breast with fear)
I love that saying. It makes me feel better in every possible way.
Am I the only one 8 months down the line who still feels a little tainted about failing to breastfeed? Your thoughts please xx
Comments
I was not prepared for the amount my Son would be on the breast at all. I thought it was a natural thing to do, so it should come naturally, right? Wrong!
I wouldn't feel guilty as formula fed babies thrive just as well, and to be honest I have so much respect for you for expressing the way you did. I certainly couldnt.
I suppose what i am trying to say is that breastfeeding was a success for me as I was well supported xx
You made a decision at the time based on the information available to you. Your decision was to stop breast feeding because it wasn't working for you. No doubt your decision was made with 110% of your baby's best interests at heart.
If you had continued to breast feed and you had been in pain and you had been unhappy, you wouldn't have been able to provide for your child in other ways.
No decision is taken in isolation and you did what you did at the time for good and honest reasons.
You have a happy, healthy baby. Everyone thinks they know best but only you know what’s best for you and your baby.
x
As u know I was LUCKY (I really do count myself lucky coz natural it may be, bloody hard it definately is) enough to breastfeed, but I am down to just 2 feeds from the boob a day and boy, do I miss it. I never thought I would. And I feel guilty about stopping!!
But we should not be made to feel like that by anyone least of all ourselves, William is ur son and look at him! Every drop u gave him made him the happy little soul he is now but it also took a shit load of love, cuddles and time all of which came from u!
The NHS needs to sort out midwifery full stop.
Rant over :)
I understand everything you have said Jenny.
x
In some supermarkets here, the formula is kept in a locked glass fronted cabinet. What does that tell you?
Thank you all for adding your thoughts, it's good to hear them x
I ended up pumping for about 3 weeks until my supply completely dried up due to plugged ducts which in turn resulted in infected abscesses which I needed major surgery on one breast when my son was 10 weeks old and then weekly drips to the hospital to drain infected breastmilk from the other breast until he was about 5 months old.
All in all a horrific experience...and yet I still feel guilty every day that I wasn't able to feed him myself.
I said to my friend who attended the breastfeeding workshop with me (she is still breastfeeding her twins!) and said that they made it out to be so easy and she said that after the class her mum (who was her birthing partner and ex-lactation consultant) went up to the midwife and said how disappointed she was that it wasn't fully explained how painful it is, nor that it is actually normal for a baby to nurse 24/7 for a few days to get supply going and she said "well I don't tell them everything because then everyone will be put off".
Terrible!!!! It wouldn't even bother me if they didn't put such an emphasis on how you MUST breastfeed.
Anyway...loving the blog (I'm an old skool RMW reader), my son is 7mths and I always read your blog to see what he's doing and then I know Luca isn't far behind!
You've posted about the meltdown before, at that point you made the choice. You did a fantastic job of expressing after that - at the time- determination, later- for guilt?
I would say just remember how this makes you feel just now and try twice as hard next time- or not even try harder just accept that it's the norm and arm yourself with as much information as possible. It still amazes me how much more I know about breastfeeding now than I did 8 years ago with my first. In fact I'm surprised people go over to formula after a couple of days. I'm still feeding my 8 month old, but had weaned my first by now, and my second was mixed fed and weaned by 10 months.
1) I never saw formula as an option for my baby. I thought to myself that in days of old, if I hadn't persevered with breastfeeding then either ineould have had to find someone else to do it for me or my baby wouldn't have survived. This got me through alot of difficult nights (as well as refusing to buy "back up" formula).
2) I read every book and forum and site possible about BF to make sure I knew what to expect. Kellymom and LLL are are great, as well as blogs such as Dispelling Breastfeeding Myths. I also spoke to people I know in "real life" who have breastfed and ignored those who tried to convince me to bottle feed. I think this prepared me well for what to expect.
3) I attended a breastfeeding support group. The first week I went I was the only person there but I kept going and gradually more people joined. Now the group is thriving and we have a range of new and more experience mummies!
4) I didn't expect anyone to do it for me. Feeding my baby is my job and as lovely as it is to have support available the most important thing is to just get on with it. I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and think "just get through this feed"... eventually the sore nips and exhaustion etc will pass without you really even noticing and then you and your baby can both enjoy a wonderful breastfeeding relationship. I don't think it's fair to blame others for lack of support etc because I believe that if you need help, you should ask for it. If you can't get support where you live, go online, ring the national BF helpline, contact your surestart centre etc. I know it's hard when you're tired, emotional and sore but not everything in life is easy, that's just the way it is. We need to be responsible for our own successes and failures rather than looking to others.
I genuinely wish you the very best and hope that you successfully breastfeed your next baby/babies if that's what you want to do x
With my second child I thought it was like getting on a bike again, it's not. Different baby, different problems. Again I went online to seek help, and got it from Kellymom. I've had mastitis, thrush x 3 and many many sleepless nights. But I've done it, and I know it's down to me, because I was determined to. I think with formula so readily available it's easy for people to reach for a bottle, when tired. I wish you well if you have another baby, and strongly recommend Kellymom and La Leche League for everything you need to know
I want to add I am not feeling guilty about choosing to give my baby formula. There is nothing wrong with formula, it satisfied him when my breast milk didn't.
There still remains an element of 'Well I did it, so if i can ANYONE can'. It's not that simple unfortunately. I don't look down my nose at women who couldn't give birth naturally and went through C Sections. Giving birth is the most natural thing in the world, as is breast feeding. Which is why I know women with c section babies who feel immense guilt that they couldn't do it the 'proper' way.
And I am not blaming anyone for failing to breastfeed. I expressed for 12 weeks and that is a huge achievement, it's just the holier than thou attitude you receive from some (not all obviously, but some - a minority I have come across) breast feeders who think they are better than you because they stuck at it.
The support you have around you is important, whether that be from health professionals, or your husband. I don't blame the health service my dear readers but I do think it has a huge part to play.
When I contacted my health visitor, and LLL about relactating I had a ton of support to help me do it. But it was the same as when I breast fed when William was born, they'd check my latch and say it was fine, so why did it feel so wrong and why was the boy not satisfied? Where was the support I needed there?
I went to breastfeeding group too, when relactating, so I used all resources I could.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things just don't work out the way you hoped they would.
Women who breastfeed should support other women who struggle without passing judgement on them for 'blaming the health care professionals'.
I will remember the advice of 'just get through this feed' though and now I know what I am in for next time I breast feed I think I will cope mentally a lot better with it.