Forgiveness.

I am going to post this tonight, I thought about leaving it until morning to see if I feel different after some sleep, but this is how my mind is tonight so with my heart on my sleeve I'm going to publish it. 

Since becoming a Mother, I have started to see things differently. More importantly I am starting to understand my own Mother differently. She made some difficult decisions in her life, giving a child up for adoption being one of the most heart wrenchingly difficult decisions. Giving him up when he was 8 years old being the hardest part to understand.

I always loved my Mum, and respected her. She was who she was, and I adored her warts and all. I still do. I hope you won't judge my Mum for making these decisions, or think ill of her. Perhaps you should read my Tribute to her to gain a better vision of who she was.

I look at my baby son, and my heart stops beating at the very thought of not having him in my life. 

I literally can't breathe when I think about what my Mum must have gone through emotionally, putting her child into care and subsequently adopting him out of the family. (I won't mention names here, as I want to keep my half brother anonymous).

I went through my pregnancy experiencing panic attacks, which when we delved a little deeper realised they stemmed from my having lost her to cancer two years previously. I was pregnant, having just got married, and my Mum was all I could think about, and it was affecting me physically. This is what bottling things up does to me, it manifests itself in a physical form - I should have known better really but having just got married, and being pregnant I can honestly say it was the happiest time of my life, so experiencing anxiety issues was not something I had banked on having to deal with! So, I dealt with them the only way I know how, and that's through therapy. Speaking to someone who doesn't know me is the only way I can process things. Mr O was amazing, he always asks me if I need to talk about anything, I love him for understanding me and reading the signs, but I'm not so much an open book these days and I fear that off loading onto a loved one will not do them any good. So off I trotted to therapy, dealt with the issue,  and the panic attacks stopped. I understand my needs well, something I am actually quite proud of. I can see when I am starting to slip into a black mood, and I know how to help myself!

My Mum often believed it was the decisions she made in life that lead to her suffering with Multiple Sclerosis. She also believed that karma was responsible for having terminal lung and bone cancer. (nothing to do with the smoking then Mum?) Could it be possible that there is a connection with emotional trauma, and illness? 

Giving a child up for adoption is unimaginable. It's not all black and white, there is a story attached to how it happened, but that isn't for my blog. I cannot imagine how her heart ever recovered from making a decision like that. 

I cannot imagine how she would ever have forgiven herself.

And this is why I believe her turmoil manifested itself in illness.

She passed away when she was 61.

And this is hard to process. She should have walked me up the aisle when I married Mr O. 

She should have been there when I gave birth to William. 

I am trying to find some forgiveness within my heart, but I mostly feel anger. Perhaps I need to work a little harder on the forgiveness. Harbouring these feelings only worries me, how will they manifest themselves? I don't want to kick the bucket at 61. I want to see William get married, and have a family of his own, and be the sort of Nanny my Mum in Law is, as in always there, loving, generous, and more importantly, alive. 

Sometimes things are hard to comprehend, I love my Mum with every ounce of my being, I would give my right arm and more to have just five more minutes with her. But that's foolish, and will never happen.

So I just need to forgive her.