Mums garden that heals
I don't quite know where to start with getting my arse into gear for the wedding. I had to actually compile a spreadsheet of all the sh*t i've bought to decorate the venue with - jesus i've bought a lot of stuff over the last 18 months!
There's still so much to pay for, and sort out - it's the biggest most lavish and well thought out event I have ever had to plan for and although I have this amazing vision in my head I just don't feel confident that it will live up to that expectation!
I guess the only person who'll feel disappointed, is me. No one else knows the lengths I have gone to, to make it such a meanginful and special day. If only I could be one of those people who just go with the flow, and trust that it will all come together in the end. But i'm too eager to please for that. Too concerned with every little detail.
I'm up and down like a yo-yo. The world cup isn't helping, I spend most evenings stuck in the bedroom watching what I want to watch on the telly but am ultimately online reading blogs and wasting time looking at other peoples weddings. Sometimes things are really good at home and things are wonderful, sometimes things aren't all that great.
I can see beautiful blue sky out of my living room window and i'm thinking how lovely it would be to be sitting in my mums garden drinking tea and watching Millie chase flies.
Sometimes I look on Google Maps street view and zoom in on her front door. Then I try and zoom in on her garden just so I can see how it's coming on. I bet if she were still with us she'd be out there sunbathing and reading her book. She lived such a peaceful and independent life.
I close my eyes and i'm sitting in her garden with the sun on my face, Millie is sleeping soundly in her custom made out door cubby hole, and Mum is reclined in her sun chair with her arms gracefully resting over her head and we're chatting as and when the need takes us, but ultimately there is silence, and there is nothing but peace and love between us.
It goes without saying that I miss her. I can't verbalise how different life is without my Mum, unless you have lost your parents you couldn't possibly understand the vulnerability and lonliness, I couldn't possibly begin to even try to put it into words.
There's still so much to pay for, and sort out - it's the biggest most lavish and well thought out event I have ever had to plan for and although I have this amazing vision in my head I just don't feel confident that it will live up to that expectation!
I guess the only person who'll feel disappointed, is me. No one else knows the lengths I have gone to, to make it such a meanginful and special day. If only I could be one of those people who just go with the flow, and trust that it will all come together in the end. But i'm too eager to please for that. Too concerned with every little detail.
I'm up and down like a yo-yo. The world cup isn't helping, I spend most evenings stuck in the bedroom watching what I want to watch on the telly but am ultimately online reading blogs and wasting time looking at other peoples weddings. Sometimes things are really good at home and things are wonderful, sometimes things aren't all that great.
I can see beautiful blue sky out of my living room window and i'm thinking how lovely it would be to be sitting in my mums garden drinking tea and watching Millie chase flies.
Sometimes I look on Google Maps street view and zoom in on her front door. Then I try and zoom in on her garden just so I can see how it's coming on. I bet if she were still with us she'd be out there sunbathing and reading her book. She lived such a peaceful and independent life.
I close my eyes and i'm sitting in her garden with the sun on my face, Millie is sleeping soundly in her custom made out door cubby hole, and Mum is reclined in her sun chair with her arms gracefully resting over her head and we're chatting as and when the need takes us, but ultimately there is silence, and there is nothing but peace and love between us.
It goes without saying that I miss her. I can't verbalise how different life is without my Mum, unless you have lost your parents you couldn't possibly understand the vulnerability and lonliness, I couldn't possibly begin to even try to put it into words.
Comments
Sorry to hear that you are sad, that is a really heart-felt post.
I know how you feel on the panic-planning front. I have this idea in my head of how I want our village hall to look and even though we're not getting married till next June I already feel panicked about it being a disaster and not looking right!!! Mind you it's not necessarily a bad thing to be a bit of a control freak, it just means that we have standards! ;o)
Hope that you are feeling happier today, and thankfully the world cup is nearly over... Yayyyyyy x
Thank you for leaving me such a kind comment
Today is a better day and I'm back on top form!
Hope all is going well with your planning
Jen x
My plans are going well thanks, although I've got to a point where I really need to knuckle down and make some more decisions. Sometimes I think that blogging makes me procrastinate more than usual, but hey ho!
Happy blogging! x