Back to blighty, and the brink of despair

It was great to get home, oh my god so great. The jet lag soon caught up with me though and i've been lagging. It was nice to meet some lovely people whilst i was away although the last day was a bit emotional as all they kept talking about was telling their mums about what fun they've had and it just made me miss mine ever so much. 'she's there in spirit' you're probably thinking, but it doesn't take the edge off of the loss. It's been 15 months since and i still have to catch my breath when i think of her. Everyone else carries on as normal around you, as do I, but it never really quite leaves you alone - the sorrow that is. It takes an enormous amount of strength to 'carry on' and no one gives you a pat on the back for it. Everyone has a different relationship with their Mums, but it really is like learning to walk and talk again when they're not around anymore, when they're just 'gone'. Unless you have lost both your parents it is very difficult to explain - there aren't words to describe. I think about my wedding and my stomach churns with excitement, and i have to put a brick wall up in my heart to stop myself from feeling sorry that Mum won't be there, as I always took for granted that she would be. 'she'll be there in spirit' I guess, although there isn't much comfort I can take from that. I just can't wait to marry the one I love, and tell him in front of our friends and family how I am thankful for his love and for standing by me through my incredibly dark times, having experienced first hand the loss of a parent my love for him has grown beyond belief, he was there and is still there and I hope he will always be there. It's a very deep love i wish i could put into words.

This morning i've got myself ready for work (although i don't actually have a job confirmed) I guess it's good to be prepared just in case i get a call and get summonsed to work somewhere, anywhere!

Just waiting for the recruitment agencies to open so I can call them and try to get a job. There's naff all on the Reed website i think i'm going to have to start looking further afield like London again. Any sort of job would suffice, just so I can earn the respect of those nearest and dearest to me and prove that I am not a failure.

I need a job just so life is easier, i'm underestimated at times, resented even.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself, i've only just come back into the country and as far as i knew before i left, I had a job to come back to.